Ok, I've had it. Your coverage of sports has declined from the ideal to a complete joke. Luckily sports coverage in general has fallen flat on its face, so it appears that nobody has noticed how far you've fallen. Listed in this letter are the various problems that have developed in the time I've been watching your sports monopoly.
Problem Number I: Endless coverage of "important" sports stories that nobody cares about.
Yes, these stories are ones that people may care about in the first 10, maybe 15 hours of their breaking, but after that you're just mindlessly beating a dead horse instead of covering actual sports.
The most severe transgressions that fall into this?
I. Brett Favre- Yes, he's played forever. Yes, he's a hall of famer. But I have bad news for you Vikings fans, he's not a hall of famer anymore, he's an old, washed up quarterback who can't quit the game. You're replacing the combination of Tarvaris Jackson and Gus Frerotte, who together amassed 3213 yards, 21 TD's, and 17 ints. Brett Favre had 3472 yards, 22 TDs, and 22 Ints. 200 more yards, one more touchdown, and 5 more interceptions, and hes 40 YEARS OLD. He's not even a top 10 quarterback in the NFL anymore, just shut up about him, noone cares.
II. Lance Armstrong- "Woo, he came back! He's going to whip those goddamn cheese eating surrender monkeys asses for an 8th time! And he's only got one nut! He's a real american hero!"
Blech, I wish I hadn't done that. That was a summary of the average American's reaction to Lance Armstrong's triumphant return to the Tour de France, and that's where it ends. Anyone who isn't an avid bike enthusiast needs approximately this much information on the Tour de France during the average episode of Sportscenter:
"They're riding bikes, Lance is in third, now on to baseball!"
That's it. No interviews, no "juicy drama" between Lance and the guy that noone has heard of despite winning the tour last year, just tell us where Lance is and move. the. f*$&. on.
III. *Star Baseball Player X* tested positive for Steroids/Fertility meds/HGH/marijuana/ground up rhinocerous horn
We get it, they screwed up. The finger pointing and endless whodunit that follows them getting suspended needs to stop. The most recent violation is Manny Ramirez. He got suspended for 50 games. Thats news. He didn't protest it, proving his guilt. Thats news. Everything following? THATS NOT NEWS. I don't need to see every minor league at bat, I don't need to know when the guy who prescribed him the fertility drug screaming "NO I DIDN'T", I just want to know how he's being punished and when he comes back, nothing else.
Problem number II: Your atrocious anchors.
Jesus Hopscotching Christ are they terrible. From their shitty jokes to their shameless pandering to the "hip crowd" that hasn't existed since 1999, most of the ESPN analysts are an embarrassment to sports coverage.
Examples (With awards!):
Lifetime achievement award: Dick VitaleDick Vitale, the lovechild of wrinkles the dog (left) and a megaphone.
Beloved (?) college sports announcer whose been going at it for years.
No, stop. Fire him. Send him to the farm. Have him fight a cage match to the death with Lee Corso. I don't care. He's an idiot, his catchphrases drive most sane people to murder, he hasn't bet against an ACC team since long before he was still capable of maintaining an erection without a costco sized jug of viagra (at least the early 1980's) It's time to hang him up. I don't care if you violate rule number 1. by covering his retirement, as long as he stops hurting my ears I'm down with whatever you choose to do.
Jive Talkinist award: Stuart Scott
Admittedly, Stuart Scott was more than tolerable in his early days at ESPN, he was actually a respectable anchor. In the 2000's, however, he's become a complete waste of time and space. He slings random "ghetto" phrases around like a monkey would fling his own excrement, he rarely contributes ANYTHING to a highlight reel, and his interviews consistently leave the interviewee with the same look that people get after they are sexually harassed by an elderly person. Oh, and his crazy eye freaks me right the f*$& out.
R.I.P. award: Stephen A. Smith
He got fired, it was a happy day in my household, much drink was drunk and the volume on my television was turned past the minimum possible level to remain audible. Stephen A. Smith is the epitome of what was wrong with you ESPN, sloppy journalism, strong opinions backed by absolutely nothing, leaning on sources that lost all reliability in the early 2000's, all of which is based on a foundation of shouting. He should have been fired years ago, but instead he lingered, shouting at the world about any and everything, ruining events people actually wanted to watch with his nonsensical yammering. I pray to god MSNBC picks up Stephen A. to become one of their anchors, if we successfully trivialize television news shows maybe the print media can make a resurgence (haha, no, thats never going to happen)
The 9th Circle of Hell: Skip Bayless
I honestly have no idea what to say about this person. He's the first walking ad lib. Any sports story that comes up, regardless of its scope or importance, his response goes as such: "I'm (outraged/in love) with this (guy/story), this (guy/story) isn't (behaving/important/covered enough)" rinse repeat. He should be flossed with a string of barbed wire by Carmelo Anthony, which would finally fulfill Bayless' constant assertions that Carmelo is a dangerous thug.
Problem Number III: Covering sports too much/too little
This one is pretty self explanatory, but I'll categorize them for you anyway.
Cover Less: Nascar, Baseball, Football
Cover More:MMA, Soccer
Nascar is... well, Nascar. Ask anyone in a major city about it and about 80% of them will react in the same way: "who the f*$& cares, its for rednecks" Maybe you can alter your programming for the southern states or something, but its something that pretty much everyone else doesn't care about.
Baseball, America's favorite dying sport. I think it should be covered, but when it occupies 70% of my sportscenter, thats where i draw the line. Even in months where baseball is the only remotely interesting thing going on (I'm looking at you, June), it should be condensed into a scoreboard and an expanded top 10 plays reel.
Football is exciting during football season. Football outside of football season is... exciting on draft day and when major offseason moves occur. All the coverage of Terrell Owens and Brett Favre and all the coverage of the annual 30 players going to jail for being retarded from knocking their helmets together a little too enthusiastically, all unnecessary.
We're getting good at soccer. Highlights of soccer are fun to watch. You don't have to sit through the 90 minutes that most haters of soccer can't stand, you just see people scoring or messing themselves up. Euroleague is amazing to watch, it will pique interest and make us even better at soccer.
MMA is looking more and more like the future of sports. People are looking somewhere else to find senseless violence now that the NFL has worked to get safer and smacking someone lightly with a dandelion is a foul in the NBA. MMA has welcomed this newfound sadism with open arms. The sport will grow in popularity if you thoroughly cover it, interview people, establish villains and good guys, favorites and underdogs, show highlights, make people care. It'll give you one more thing that can replace your coverage of Brett Favre coming out of retirement for a 5th time at 58 to play for the Detroit Lions, who have finally given up on producing a quality quarterback and held a tryout between their ball shooting machine and Brett.
Your adoring fan with noone else to turn to,
Braski.
Songs of the Week.
Lupe Fiasco- Daydream ft. Jill Scott
Velvet Revolver- Slither
P.O.S.- Drumroll (we're all thirsty)
Say Anything- Wow, I can get sexual too
Cunninlynguists- The Gates ft. Tonedeff
Silversun Pickups- Lazy Eye
No comments:
Post a Comment