The Airport Epic Pt. 2

So anyway, I waited until the airplane was boarding to realize that I had to ask for a the attendants to call ahead and prepare a wheelchair for me at the other end of my flight, and hurried to the front of the boarding line in an attempt to sneak that message in before the plane took off. My plan totally worked, because as soon as I got up there a random woman who appeared to have no affiliation with the airline grabbed the back of my chair and rushed me through the boarding line and towards the plane. Obviously I was a little confused as to why the woman had done this, so I struck up a conversation with her,

Me:Are you kidnapping me? You really don't want to, trust me, way too expensive to maintain.
Her:Oh, no. I work for the airline, I'm going to try and sneak you into first class so you don't have to walk down the rows to get to your seat

Sweet deal eh? Airports have mad love for cripple people apparently, she went on to explain that if someone requests a wheelchair and clearly needs it, (i.e. isn't just old or fat and lazy) they'll always try and get them into the first class seating on a plane. Usually it works on flights that aren't very packed, but when the flight begins to fill up it doesn't work out. It worked in this case because as far as I can tell there aren't enough people living in Burlington Vermont to actually fill a normal sized airplane.

So here I am, experiencing my first "First Class" voyage because I royally fucked up my body. Take a note here children, if you're going to hurt yourself, hurt yourself badly enough so the world opens up to you out of pity, don't half ass that kind of stuff. Anyway, my impressions of first class:
1. It's really really loud up there. I have no idea if this is just the quality of the plane that I was on, but as soon as I put in my headphones it became completely deafening up there.
That's actually my only impression of first class, but it's important, because it forced me to throw myself upon the whimsy of the "strange encounter" gods who had blessed me thus far on this day. I turned to the woman sitting across from me because the one sitting next to me was already fast asleep, and lo, did those gods bless me again.

This woman looked like she had undergone enough plastic surgery that if she were melted down she could make a legion of barbie dolls. She never told me her name, but she did tell me her story. She was basically a professional gold digger for most of her life, she had 7 kids by 4 different guys, all of whom were worth more than 6 figures at the time. She retained custody of all the kids, and the child support payments and royalties from the first marriage, in which their wasn't a pre-nup, allowed her to live VERY frivolously for the rest of her life. The bizarre thing is, despite having 7 kids and reallly treading the line of morality, she seemed like an absolutely fantastic mom. All her kids were between the ages of 22 and 25, and they all graduated from Ivy League schools. I was enormously skeptical when she first told me this, but then she whipped out a set of pictures from her wallet, each one had her standing next to one of her kids with the disgruntled father looking irritable on the other side. Every single kid had attended an Ivy League, it was really incredible. We talked for the entire flight, she was drinking alot the entire time, and about 3/4's through the flight it began to show:

Her:My god, those braces looks really hot and itchy, why don't you take them off?
Me:If I take them off I really can't do anything more than sit, and it takes forever to put them back on if I had to use the bathroom or something, it's more for convenience than anything
Her:Oh, well. Why don't we just get all of your clothes off instead*

*she said this while leaning across the row and rubbing my arm. I quietly turned her down and squeezed myself as close as possible to the woman who was sitting next to me, waking her up and leading to a very uncomfortable exchange that went down in hushed whispers with the woman still watching me. It went like so,

Woman:What the hell are you doing?
Bill: Forgive me, but the woman sitting across the row is trying to mile-high me.
Woman: *glances quickly at the woman* Oh shit, really?
Bill: *nods quickly*
Woman: I'll move over

And thats how I spent the rest of the flight, huddled against this woman while glancing over at the plastic woman every 30 seconds in the idle hope that she would pass out and stop staring wistfully at me. When we landed she grabbed my ass as I hobbled out to my wheelchair lady.

Part 3 next week.

Songs of the week:
ABC's- K'naan feat Chubb Rock
Da Rockwilder-Method Man & Red Man
Be Somebody- Kings of Leon
Fix Up Look Sharp- Dizzee Rascal
I'm Housin-Rage Against the Machine